(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH)
“Okay, I’m going to fall slowly back now, are you ready to catch me?”
“Go for it…”
“Okay, are you sure you’re ready? You sound like you’re 40 to 50 feet behind me and not right under me.”
“Okay, you sound like you’ve moved even further away. I know part of the exercise is just fall backwards and you’re going to catch me, but I can barely hear you.”
“Sorry, what did you say?”
“Damn it, I can hear you moving further away from me! This trust fall is not going to work, is it?” I turn around to find Bud Black is a football field away from me. “You weren’t going to catch me!”
Bud Black screams, “I had you!”
That’s Bud Black and every fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!). You cannot trust Bud Black. He’s untrustworthy! I wouldn’t trust him to suddenly play Nolan Jones forever. I’m going one game at a time here with Jones. At some point, Curtis Jackson Cron will return and it’ll be two tears in a bucket and Jones will be told to eff off. For now, Jones is a guy who has nearly 20/10/.330 between Triple-A and the majors in less than 60 games. Will it continue? Well, the power is real, the steals are real, but he is likely closer to a .260 hitter. Still very valuable. Just don’t get on a chair and fall backwards into his expected production. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Miguel Amaya – Partially listing this Cubs’ catcher, Amaya, because David Ross keeps playing him, and, if I list Amaya, then maybe Ross will stop, because it’s nuckin’ futs that Amaya became a regular at DH but not Morel. He’s a catcher! Why would he DH?! He had one homer in Triple-A! Morel has 27 homers in the majors in less than a year’s worth of games!
Ryan Noda – I have a cookbook that is by the “Pasta Grannies” and it’s all recipes by Italian grandmothers, who are roughly 97 years old. I believe their kids all call them “Noda.” Any hoo! Noda’s in a fantastically awful lineup, but has been hot and wait until you try his puttanesca!
Ryan O’Hearn – It’s the Age of Ryans Who Are Hot Who You Don’t Really Want In Fantasy. Clunky to be sure.
Luke Raley – After a brief sabbatical, Raley is back in the Buy column. When reached for comment about what an honor it must be to be in the Buy column again, Raley said, “Literally no idea what you’re talking about.”
Jake Bauers – He should start with 24 homers and, with each homer, it counts down, then when he gets to zero, something blows up. Maybe just a soda and Mentos, but something. This will help baseball appeal to more people. Unfortunately, it might take him four years to reach 24 homers.
Mauricio Dubon – I saw Grae Kessinger and Cesar Salazar were called up by the Astros, but somehow the Astros lose a bat in Yordan and manage to find a steady replacement like Dubon without trying different guys in the DH role.
Edouard Julien – Is it me or does Edouard Julien sound like a character in a Decemberists’ song? Meh, maybe it’s me. Any hoo! Edouard Julien looks like he’s set to hit leadoff for the foreseeable future, but is subject to Baldelli, who studied at the feet of Kevin Cash, and wants to platoon everyone. Also, Julien is great for OBP, due to walks, so leadoff is fine, just know in most leagues he’s an average drain. He does have power and speed, and might bore you, but shouldn’t. Just Edouard Julien on a road that meets a road that goes on a road to my house which is where you’ll find my fantasy team! Julien! Julien! Still nothing on the Decemberists? Okay.
Trevor Story – Will be back soon. Or will he?! Not doing one of those reversal questions that brings into question everything that comes before it, I honestly don’t know if Trevor Story will be back soon. Supposed to be. Or is he?!
Ramon Urias – His name is a “possessive S after Ramon” away from becoming a report from his proctologist.
Coco Montes – Thinking about trusting Bud Black to start Jones and Coco Montes and cackling at the moon until I’m cast in a werewolf movie. Should Montes play? Yes, over everyone in the Rockies’ lineup besides Tovar and Jones. Will he? Ha, good one, bro! He just went 12/4/.321 in Triple-A as a 26-year-old, so, ya know, chill your jets, man. He hasn’t proven himself yet. When he’s 34 years old and on his 5th team in four months? Then come talk to me! Now let Mostsuckass show us how it’s done!
Mike Ford – Also, I could’ve listed Evan Longoria, and, would you look at that! Two of the least interesting guys who happen to be hot listed in the same blurb! Incredible! Grey is a 3rd person technician.
Joey Wiemer – Looked at Wiemer’s stats, and, because I just mentioned Volpe above and was front of mind, I thought, “Wiemer sure looks a lot like Volpe,” and on the Player Rater, they were within three spots of each other when I wrote this. Shows you how different teams have different expectations. Yanks are talking about sending down Volpe, and Brewers are like, ‘Wiemer is one of our best bats!”
Andy Ibanez – Thinking about a person picking up Ibanez, Ford and Wiemer, and seeing them hanging out with Santa, because they don’t exist.
Tommy Pham – Nothing to do with fantasy, but Mets should’ve traded Pham for a Teheran-type about 10 weeks ago. As for fantasy, Pham’s been great in limited duty. By the way, if you ever find yourself in “limited duty” eat some bran.
Will Brennan – Am the only one who sees this guy’s name and is like, “Ah, the Reds’ outfielder…Wait, that’s Will Benson, and this guy is on the Guardians…Or is it the opposite?” Two Ohio outfielders, Will B., too much. They’re kinda similar too in that they both have power/speed and a platoon.
Emmet Sheehan – Some breaking news in the Buy column! Read all about it! Grey’s breaking news after reading about breaking news elsewhere! Hey, I just described like 99% of the internet. Any hoo! Sheehan’s getting the call to pitch tonight. He’s a tall boy. Not an actual beer can. 95 MPH fastball, slider that plays above grade, and a change that makes people look stupid. Expecting Bobby Miller or Gavin Stone. Kidding, but not really. Could be great for Ks, but command is wonky. I grabbed him in one league to see how he looks. He might be a 12-team mixed league guy, might not even be worth aggravation in deeper leagues.
Grant Anderson – My promise to you that I forget at least 3 times every four weeks is to give you a new middle man every week, and this week’s is Grant Anderson. He got beat by Ohtani this week for a dong, but it was a good pitch, which is all Grant Anderson throws.
A.J. Puk – If Puk can stay on the field, his peripherals are roughly top five-ish closer numbers. They do not suk.
Giovanny Gallegos – With Helsley shelved like your Christmas Elf, Gallegos should get majority of the saves, but Oli Marmol seems to enjoy emphasizing how much he knows by randomly changing up his 9th inning like an idiot.
Justin Lawrence – One of the more baffling things of the year is how Bard returned, has been great, and never used anywhere near the 9th again. For Bud Black? That’s a “before lunch” baffling thing. By the way, the Rockies’ pen of Bard/Lawrence sounds like an all-female college where they’re protesting Pierce Johnson.
Luis Arraez – “Oh great!” That’s Ted Williams’s recently-defrosted head seeing my Arraez Sell. “Hey, Ted, how come you look so tan?” “To defrost me, they put me on a tanning bed for five days straight!” Poor Ted. The good news is don’t sell Arraez if you need average. But, and I cannot stress this enough other than saying “I can’t stress this enough,” if you don’t need average, sell Arraez for anything. Wow, he’s so useless outside of one category. As you might’ve heard on this week’s podcast, I was shocked to hear how low Arraez is on the Player Rater, even as he sniffs .400. As I write this, Carlos Estevez is about as valuable as Arraez. Not surprising when you think about it, they’re both one-category providers. I wouldn’t trade Arraez for a ticket to see Taylor Ham Swift, a Taylor Swift impersonator dressed as pork roll, but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.