Rangers have called up Josh Jung. Heads over to Amazon to order a megaphone; sits by door to wait three to five days for shipping; argues with Cougs about how we should get Prime; being told we do have Prime, it’s just I don’t have Prime; we argue more, and, finally, the megaphone arrives after five days. I rip apart the packaging, and push button, but I need batteries. I beg Cougs for our Prime password, so I can get batteries quicker, she acquiesces, and the next day, when the batteries arrive, I load them into the megaphone, press the button and scream, “LET’S F***ING GO!” The asterisks were megaphone feedback. I know what you’re thinking about Josh Jung, what about about Ildemaro Vargas?! Il De Maro, by the way, one of the best seafood-focused Italian restaurants. Thank you, Luigi, for your Lobster Fra Diavolo. So, Josh Jung finally gets the call, and he’s a immediate add in all leagues. He’s got 60-grade power, and shouldn’t struggle to hit for a decent average. Has no speed, and you never know what a guy is going to do in only a month of time, but I’m here for the Rangers’ Ponce De Leon’ing to get Jung again, and so should you. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Cristian Javier – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.01. I really don’t think it’s great that a guy who needs to be shut down, due to innings, can now throw 5+ innings start after start a week later.
Oneil Cruz – 3-for-8, as he hits leadoff. Since Oneil Cruz went outside of the Pirates and hired his own hitting coach, what’s he hitting? .350? That seems pretty good. Let the haters continue to cite his season-long average.
Max Scherzer – Hit the IL with “the Mets decided it was best to come in second in the division and have Scherzer well-rested for the playoffs.” Oh, and sorry to tell you, but they don’t mean your H2H playoffs. This is why I hate H2H leagues. You’re fighting for your life in your fantasy league just as teams start resting their guys for the real playoffs. They’re not resting in August for your H2H playoffs. What’s up with that?!
Eduardo Escobar – 6-for-9, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. He’s going to be in Friday’s Buy, that is now available on our Patreon with a note about how you’re better off with Escobar than a lot of prospects, but where’s the fun in that? Rhetorical!
Tyler Naquin – 3-for-7, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer. Naquin homered in the day game. Sounds more like Day-quin! High five the crap out of me! Right now! No? Okay.
Chris Bassitt – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Bassitt’s good, he had all his secondaries working, I roster him all over, yadda3. On a side note, Mr. Rogers is from Pittsburgh, and the Pirates fly the Jolly Roger. What’s with Pittsburgh and Rogerses? Shouldn’t the Pirates’ park be known as Rogers Centre?
Dylan Carlson – Hit the IL with a thumb sprain. It must’ve happened when he was sitting on the bench. Do they have video games in the dugout?
Alec Burleson – Called up by the Cardinals. If there’s any team that can find room for an outfielder to play even though they have four solid outfielders in front of him, it’s the Cards. They’ll prolly just turn Burleson into a middle infielder, because they can do whatever they like. Any hoo! In the top 75 prospects, Itch says, “Alec Burleson just hits and hits and hits and rarely strikes out. This tends to work. His 6.2 percent walk rate is just on the borderline of an approach that doesn’t tend to work. St. Louis has a rep for letting good outfielders walk, but the catch-22 of that issue is their player development group can’t stop drafting and developing too many major league outfielders to fit onto one major league roster. I’ll take that problem any day of the week. Better than the problem of Grey.” Okay, not sure what that means, but it’s likely not nice! I didn’t grab Burleson anywhere in a mixed league, because I just don’t see the playing time, but if it’s there, I’m all about him.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 35th homer. Au Shizz!
Jordan Montgomery – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.08. *bows* JoMo arrigato.
Luke Voit – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Have you seen his jersey? It’s always open like he’s Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. Real cool stuff. Though, and not to be a hater my whole life, you shouldn’t be able to open your jersey button until you can reach 20 homers in less than five months.
Kyle Finnegan – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.79. I had, like, 2 ER in 24 IP across all my pitchers until this shizzshow shizzed up the show. Kyle Finnegan, hey, let me ask you something? Are you the devil? By gosh that was a demoralizing Kazaam. I need to move on, before I cry.
Corbin Carroll – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Great, now you better rest him for five days. Ow! Eye roll headache.
Daulton Varsho – 2-for-4, and his 22nd and 23rd homer, hitting .243. Psst, I got a secret for you, I like having good catchers. I don’t like paying for them, but rostering them? Who doesn’t like this?
Jake Cronenworth – 3-for-4 and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Josh Hader – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 6.26, and his 31st save. Seems to be calming down from being the worst closer in history. That 6.26 ERA, though. That’s a long oof.
Aristides Aquino – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. Don’t let the GGOATOAT get hot because there’s no one else like him when he gets hot — once every 24 months he hits a few homers then disappears for two years. Like a fantasy baseball comet.
Jake Fraley – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in five games. Could be a light schmotato again. F’raley? Yes, Fraley!
Brandon Lowe – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. He was dealing with a triceps contusion, which looks to me like friceps confusion that was cut off by an overlapping piece of paper. Is it just me? Prolly, huh? I have no faith in Lowe, but if he’s on waivers, then that price is free and free is nice.
Jeffrey Springs – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.54. Eff off, Kevin Cash, with this three-inning garbage.
Alan Trejo – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Trejo’s filling in for Igelsias, and prepping for a Grindhouse sequel.
Michael Toglia – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I want to get excited for Toglia and Elehuris, but Bud Black has broken me. I’ve been Bud Broke!
Spencer Strider – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.69. I love this kid. I’ve started calling my mustache, The Strider. Big Love, as in I took on a second wife — a pile of hair clippings that I gathered into a rubber band to look like a mustache and I call it, Spencer. I wrote a letter to HBO asking them why they did a doc about Diana Spencer, but not Spencer Strider. I love him! How’sever, I hate all these innings they’re putting on him.
Vaughn Grissom – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .347. He keeps hitting that well and he’s gonna get himself a 12-year, $20 million contract. As for Albies returning and what does that mean for Grissom’s playing time? I don’t know exactly, but Ozuna, Grossman or Rosario go to the bench for Grissom, so he should keep playing.
Seth Brown – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, and 4th homer in the last three games. Try to find a hotter hot schmotato, I’ll wait (kidding, I’m not waiting).
Mike Trout – 2-for-4 and his 32nd homer, and 4 homers in four games. *checking to see how many days are left to see if Trout can catch Judge*
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-5 and his 33rd homer. Yeah, but didn’t pitch a 19-K CGSHO, so allow my lips to raspberry.
Patrick Sandoval – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.98. He was a preseason sleeper. Cust kayin’.
Eric Haase – 5-for-5 and his 10th homer. Wonder if I could interest Eric in going halfsies on a Copenhagen chocolate shop, Haase Nootbaar.
Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. After this guy did a number two all over my teams this year, it will show real growth if I’m able to draft him again in 2023, but I’m a small, petty man, so doubtful.
Ryan Kreidler – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Kreidler, Kreidler, Kreidler, I made it out of clay! Wait, that’s wrong. Kreidler, Kreidler, Kreidler, can he play? Has speed and power, but no contact. If Kreidl’ gets as hot as Friedl, I might have interest, but he’s an AL-Only guy for now.
David Villar – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, and three homers in the last three games. This is ridiculous. The Giants watered a news report of Jonathan Villar’s DFA’ing, gave it sunlight and three months later, they have David Villar. C’mon! So, Villar had 27 HRs in Triple-A, but looks like he might be a Quad-A player, which doesn’t mean he can’t have Maas Appeal.
Max Muncy – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, and three homers in the last two games. Max is the Munciest!
Edmundo Sosa – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Waited until September to homer once, then homered again? But there’s no such thing as a hot schmotato. Okay, haters.
Trevor Rogers – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.51. Not an easy matchup, and he was once again decent. Starting to believe him when he says he feels better. This season might’ve been a nice reset for him for 2023. As for his next matchup, Streamonator likes it, and I could see it.
Alek Manoah – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.42. Think he might be my favorite pitcher. Not as flashy as McClanahan or Cease, but Manoah feels indestructible. Woof, how’s that for a jinx?
Louie Varland – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, as he was called up. LV is so Gucci. Louie V., as my homeys call my luggage trunk, might only be up for a spot start, but it’s worth monocle’ing, because he looked great in Triple-A (1.69 ERA, 11.4 K/9, 1.3 BB/9). Could see him getting shut down soon, due to IP, but keep his name in mind for 2023.
Jose Miranda – 2-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. He did this while his cousin, Lin-Manuel, was in attendance, playing left field as Hamilton, Billy.
Matt Carpenter – Remains in a walking boot. Pay your tickets, man!
Ronald Guzman – 0-for-5, 4 Ks, as he was called up with Rizzo to the IL-izzo, because it’s quarter-past headache-hurty. Guzman sucks exceptionally, and was batting cleanup for the Jankees in Game 1.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-5 and a slam (55) and legs (16). He’s hitting homers every day, and is still 18 behind Bonds. I lived through Bonds’s run. I played fantasy during it! And it still feels so unreal.
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-7, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (19) and legs (7), hitting .239. Worked out with the homer, but it’s pretty comical that a team that is supposed to be as good as the Yanks has Gleyber hitting third. He has not been good for many months. Though, they have Ronald Guzman hitting cleanup, so I guess that’s an even bigger indictment.
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 3-for-8, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and an Ernie Banks slam & legs, as he stole two bags (16, 17) in the afternoon, then homered (3) in the nightcap, and 2nd day in a row with a homer. Is Falafel hot? It’s either that or the chickpea.
Domingo German – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.27. He should have tattooed on his tongue, “Ach,” so when German is cheered, he can wag them the Ach-tongue. Yanks have had some bad recent history with tattoos, so prolly won’t do it. And that’s the only reason to not do it. Any hoo! Streamonator hates his next start, and I agree.
Gerrit Cole – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 3.20. September baseball is so fun in the Bronx, when there’s a playoff atmosphere, and it doesn’t get more playoffs-like than the Yanks sweeping the Twins.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer, as he got his 1,000th hit. Not this season, that would be a record, just edging someone prolly named Jimhouse “Noodle-Eyed” Thompson from 1883.
Eloy Jimenez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. I know we do a jokey-joke about ILoy and how he’s always hurt, but he has enough at-bats where he should have a lot more homers. He’s on like a 22-homer pace. That’s the new blech.
Michael Kopech – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.78, as he was activated from the IL. More like starting him is Sus-pech. Got him! And if you “got him” on your team, I’d consider alternatives.