“With that trade, the Giants will now be seeing if they can turn a Harry Styles Chia Pet into a halfway decent 2nd baseman. We just now he’s not gonna wanna ride the pine!” Announcers laugh, but, before they can finish, the Harry Styles Chia Pet slaps a ball over the fence for a three-run shot. “I’ll tell ya what, Jon, that Harry Styles Chia Pet has got some pop!” Okay, so Lewis Brinson (1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in two games) isn’t quite turning a Chia Pet into a major league All-Star, but it’s not that far off. As Jesse would scream in Breaking Bad, “The Giants can’t keep getting away with this!” ‘This’ being turning cast-offs from other teams into bona fide major leaguers. Of course, Giants turning Lewis Brinson into something would be their “making the Statue of Liberty disappear” of player reclamations, but they did it with Wilmer Flores, J.D. Davis…They got someone named B. Johnson in right field, and I half expect it to be Boris Johnson, after losing 10 Downing. Do I think Lewis Brinson is fixed for 2023 fantasy? I’m not sure he’s fixed for this week! but he’s clearly hot and show be rostered until further notice. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Crawford – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Come back for him in an odd-numbered year.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. He broke his bat hitting this homer. In Hollywood, everything’s possible (except for him hitting .175 or higher).
Max Muncy – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer, hitting .192. Was so out on Muncy this year, but, with a year removed from his injury, and his 2nd half becoming Muncy TV, I could see getting back in next year.
Josh Bell – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 17th homer. *Subtracting days from August 2nd to September 6th* Could that be right? It takes 34 days for bats to get delivered from Washington to San Diego?
Jake Cronenworth – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .239. After seeing how poorly Cronenworth was hitting, I just checked what the Padres were hitting as a team in the 2nd half (.240), which isn’t great (about 19th). It did have me also see the Marlins are hitting .206 in the 2nd half. Yanks at .221 isn’t what you want to see either. By the way, Judge has 21 homers in the 2nd half, and the Marlins have 26.
Daulton Varsho – 2-for-5 and his 21st homer, and 3rd homer in four games. Varsho? Fo’ sho!
Anthony Rizzo – Hit the IL with headaches from his epidural. That sounds bad, on the realsies. Also, I’m now realizing “on the realsies” makes it hard to convey true empathy.
Shane McClanahan – Threw 15-20 pitches off a mound on Tuesday. The mound was located in fantasy baseballer’s dreams and Shane looked great! Great dreams, everyone! Keep up the good work! I kid, the Rays said he might be ready when eligible next Thursday, but that sounds really dopey to me. Getting terribly close to making me not want to draft him next year, which, ya know, is all that matters. Luckily, I think he’ll be drafted too high anyway.
Wander Franco – Could resume his rehab assignment today, after shutting it down twice in the last five days, due to renewed soreness. This is so clearly a shituation where he needs to go to another doctor for a checkup. Why can’t teams figure this out?
Christian Bethancourt – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in four games, and, when sorting by catchers on the 30-day Player Rater, well, I thought he was doing better, since he’s got five homers in the last month. Instead of a schmotato, maybe just a thmotato.
Randy Arozarena – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .268. The Rice Bowl strikes again, which is also what Randy says when in a bowling alley.
Triston Casas – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st major league homer. Now people come out of the woodwork asking if they should pick up Casas. Get it? Woodwork! I’m not sure I get it either, tee bee aitch. Either way, I just gave you my Triston Casas fantasy.
Tommy Pham – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .246. Wonder if he homered because he was pumped up on the sheer exhilaration of supporting Razzball by purchasing a season-long fantasy football subscription. What, too thick?
Rich Hill – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.79. If you have Dick Mountain, make like a mohel and cut him.
Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Three months ago, I said something like, “My NL-Only team’s best pitchers are Cueto (drafted before he signed with the White Sox, and was able to keep him) and Quintana,” and that was meant as a jab at how woeful my pitching is, but now I challenge anyone to have two pitchers better than Quintana and Cueto on an NL-Only team.
Brendan Donovan – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. That was supposed to be Pujols’ homer!
Nolan Gorman – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .237. Cool, as in “He’s been cool,” but also as in “Cool, I want to move on and mention something else.” Whatever happened to Carlson? Do the Cards think they traded him to the Yanks too?
Shane Bieber – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.96. Legit one of the strangest seasons in recent memory. He got dramatically worse in his peripherals, except for the ratios that matter.
Oneil Cruz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Cruz Missile hit that one into the Allegheny, and only his 2nd hardest ball hit last night. Cruz Missile’s exit velocities are like Statcast meets Pornhub, call him Stathub. Stat on these hoes, Cruz!
Rodolfo Castro – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .242. This was an absolute bomb, and had me looking up Rodolfo’s prospect ratings and seeing if his power is legit, or if he’s playing Rodolfo games. Looks very legit, but he might hit .220. Rodolfo, with your future so bright, won’t you guide my NL-Only team tonight?
Max Scherzer – Mets are undecided if Scherzer will make his next start. Mets are handling their rotation like this, “Do we need (pitcher) to win the division or can we save him for the playoffs? If former, are we okay just coming in 2nd in the division? And which one is former?”
Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Tried to stream him on Monday, but then dropped him when they were rained out, and unable to pick him back up. Hey, karma, eat a D! I am your captain now! Streamonator doesn’t like his next, and I don’t trust him right now, I think he’s injured.
Jesus Luzardo – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.36 vs. Aaron Nola – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.35. This matchup was billed as Jesus vs. Nola or the working title for Five Days at Memorial.
Brandon Woodruff – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.41. I’ll say it for you, sonavabench!
Christian Yelich – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 12th homer. He hit the ball 499 feet, which the 3rd longest at Coors, and longest ever by a lefty. Longest is Nomar Mazara followed by Giancarlo in 2nd place. It makes no sense to make a Do Not Draft List out of guys who have homered the furthest at Coors, but, also, it kinda does make sense.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, and his 14th and 15th homer. Also, in this game, Hunter Renfroe went 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. These two guys never hit one homer that’s not followed by multiple homers in the next few games. They’re making schmotatoes in Coors! (Might be the hops.)
Elehuris Montero – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer. That’s only in 37 games played, which should excite me. Plus, Coors! Plus, rookie nookie! Plus, I really can’t seem to care about Montero. Maybe I’ll get around that apathy this offseason, just as the Rockies go out and randomly sign Corey Dickerson to an 8-year deal.
Seth Brown – 1-for-5 and his 20th homer, and three homers in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer, as he returned to Oakland. You should’ve heard the reception he got from the A’s fans. If everyone outside of the stadium was very quiet and there were no planes flying overhead, you can hear the four fans salute their former 1st baseman. At one point, each of the four fans did a Pebble in a Puddle for him. Ya know, a very small wave.
Luis Robert – Left yesterday’s game after taking Logan Gilbert’s pitch off his hand. He sure is hitting his hand (wrist) a lot. I wasn’t watching, but are we sure Robert isn’t going into the batter’s box thinking this is handball? Does he have a bat?
Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Love Gilbert, but I’d love him just as much if he were shut down early.
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a homer, and 4th homer this week. Guess how many homers he has. Go ahead. He’s been doing well. So how many? 23! WHAT?!
Jose Altuve – 1-for-4 and a slam (24) and legs (15), hitting .291. He homered the opposite way, which is so rare for him, he lowered his head when leaving the box, thinking he flied out, forgetting the Astros installed industrial fans in the ceiling. For cooling, of course.
Framber Valdez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.64. Fram-Boys, the cheering section dedicated to Framber, were happy to see their idol pitch so well, and much happier than the stadium employee that had to try to get the raspberry-stained seats clean.
Jose Leclerc – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, ERA at 3.03. Rangers are such a goofy franchise that I think if you asked someone why is Leclerc closing there would be no reason. Or as much reason why they just inexplicably removed Joe Barlow, or where was Jonathan Hernandez last night. Rangers are so rudderless.
Bo Bichette – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, and 4th homer in two games. You know what he’s doing right? Propelling the team out of last place that was abandoned for fantasy football about a month ago.
Mike Trout – 1-for-4 and his 31st homer, and his 3rd homer in as many games. Uh, I’m sorry, but is he gonna get 40 homers in only 110 games this year? We might reconsider the Trout’s overrated narrative.
Kyle Farmer – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. An announcer the other day was talking about how Cole Swindell, a country singer, asked for Farmer’s jersey to perform in and they were like, “Kyle’s really made it,”and all I could think was, “Swindell likes his last name for the country music angle, he has no idea who Kyle Farmer is.” Then later in the game, I saw Buck Farmer pitch for the Reds, and I’m beginning to think they were doing an updated FarmAid.
Ian Happ – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. He’s had himself a nice season, which is what I say moments before seeing he only has 16 homers. Is this guy not having his homers counted? He is having a nice season, isn’t he? It feels like it, then I see his counting stats and I yawn.
Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Ain’t gonna lie, there were moments during the first week of the season when I thought Seiya would be at 11 homers on the year by May.
Willson Contreras – Hit the IL with an ankle sprain. Will he be in the top three catchers to end the year? He is now, but Contreras mon freras, I’m not sure he stays thereras.